Thoughts from the Middle of the Night

I’ve just realised that life is terminal. Three weeks ago my life was absolutely balanced, or so I thought. A dodgy mammogram was quickly followed by another, then an ultra sound then a biopsy and 2 weeks ago an MRI. Later on today (it is now 4am), I’m going to get given all the results and a complete diagnosis. I already have some, so for example I already know I have a tumour called a Hers2+ tumour in my right breast somewhere just underneath my nipple. I was told I should give this tumour a name – I’m unclear as to why, but it’s definitely not getting any sort of name that I might give a new dog, so I’m going to call it “boogie” as in the boogie man.

So I woke up wide awake at 4am with the overwhelming realisation that tomorrow I might be told that I’m terminally ill! – and what does that actually mean to me? What do I actually really feel about life and death. None of these feeling have been helped by me looking up Hers 2 positive on Google yesterday and discovering that only a handful of years ago this would very likely have bee a terminal diagnosis. Something else I read yesterday is that a growing body of specialists now believe that some of us have cells in our bodies, just single one off cells sitting quietly, patiently waiting, that if triggered will start to grow and become what we call cancer – a Boogie.

So all these thoughts have been gently wondering around my mind for the past hour, in the dark, in bed alone with the dog snoring next to me on the floor oblivious to the impending doom I’m facing. Oh those 4am voices in our heads how they haunt us. I have so many questions – who is going to pay the mortgage? How will my children manage without me? Will it hurt? How long will I have? Will I arrange my own funeral now? Etc etc

But suddenly through this perilous thought pattern, breaks through a thought like a shining knight in armour, one of my mantras that I love “out of a bad thing, a good thing always comes”. I do actually believe that this is true even if we can’t see it straight away. As soon as this thought is in my mind I feel better, calmer, and I begin to think about everything, and I mean everything. Life, death, giving birth, the planet – our planet, time space and as these thoughts mingle around my mind a pattern starts to form. So I realise that my life, and probably everyone else’s lives I guess are like a set of balancing scales. We have good and bad things happen all the time, and as long as the scales more or less sit in the middle, we feel okay in life. So thinking about my mantra then, this must mean that every time a bad thing happens and the scales dip downwards towards the bad side, something will be popped on the good side at the same time which will eventually or sometimes immediately balance things up again.

If all that is true then a couple of years ago something really good must have been popped on my scales. And it was. I was made redundant and went through a period of total stress (also considered an invitation for Boogie), I saw a Hypnotherapist got loads better and was able to cope again, all the stress left my life and I decided that my pathway was in helping others in the same way, so I began my training as a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist. Great. But of course this left the scales in my life out of balance again. Nothing lasts, not even the good things. I had never been so happy in years and it would have been around this time that Boogie decided to start to grow.

However sitting here writing this I feel remarkably calm. How so? The answer I guess is very simple. It’s because I am a Solution focused Therapist and thus I truly understand the following:-

– These scales I’ve been talking about during my 4am ramblings, well you have them too, in your head. I don’t just mean you imagine them, no I mean this.

– If your life is made up of your thoughts and how you perceive the world around you day by day, then you can see that you have good thoughts and bad thoughts. If you therefore kept a set of “thought scales” in your head it would be good to keep it balanced – not too much stress so that it keeps you awake at night and not too much excitement or pleasure because that will keep you awake too worrying about losing it again.

All the Clients I see now are with me because their thought process is out of balance and they need help getting it back in the middle again.

If you allow bad thoughts in your head, your scales will start to dip and if they get too low, it is going to take some considerable effort (or a Therapist) to get them moving up again. So just make sure you always keep good thoughts in there to balance it out. Every time you think something dark – think something light, rebalance your mind. It is as easy as that.

So with this is mind – how do I now feel about my hospital visit tomorrow? Well the worse thing they can say is that my Boogie is terminal and they will give me an approximate “sell by date”. But do you know what, they (my Doctors) can’t predict the future any more than you or I. They might say I’m going to croak it in April and in fact I’m going to get hit and killed by the Hospitality bus at Addenbrookes tomorrow on the way back to the car park. Who knows? Not me that’s for sure?

None of us really knows the future, the only thing that is absolutely certain is this – Life is terminal. If the bus or the Boogie doesn’t get me, well old age definitely will. I don’t intend on wasting precious time worrying about any of it. I’d rather spend my remaining time, however long that may be, helping other people balancing their scales.

In my next blog I’ll tell you what the results were, and how they set me off on a course of action which was to change my world in many many ways.